Q & A / Gift Didn't Exactly Knock Her Socks Off

Q: Hi, Chris:

My new mother-in-law bought me socks for Christmas. My husband just laughed it off and said at least she didn’t buy me “baggie white” underwear. My own family always buys thoughtful and generous gifts for each other, so this came as a total shock to me. I’m not sure if I should be insulted or just grateful she bought me anything. P.S. My husband and I bought her a lovely sweater (she loved it!) and her favorite bath salts.

--- Seething in San Francisco

A: Dear Bachelorette:

Were they white socks or did they have little bears and giraffes on them? There are terrible gift givers and wonderful gift givers and everything in-between (get used to it.) I agree with your husband—and please be grateful (and gracious) you got a present at all. Particularly in this economy, the old adage “it’s the thought that counts” has more meaning than ever.

Q & A / MENTAL CIRCUS DRIVING HIM NUTS

Q:  Hi Chris:

I am 47-years-old, and the woman I have been seeing almost four years is age 48. She may even be older. Strange I even think that, isn’t it?

I feel like I really don't know if she is ever telling the truth!  This woman is the complete opposite of what I deem normal when it comes to dealing with relationships (or lack thereof.) I call her on things and subsequently get the response I want, but only due to my ridiculously unexplainable need to want to be with her.

I do not trust her. I have repeatedly tried to let go, but without success. We constantly talk about what we need and expect from each other.  I try at every chance to do that and more. She on the other hand, will try to oblige me, but I end up getting non-communication. This is due to her lack of ability handling talking or even texting.  She sites having panic attacks or problems that have nothing to do with me.

I've stuck with her through her constant irrational behavior and have always showed she can depend on me to be there. In return, she is hot and cold and never committing (although we have a great sex life!)  And she does tell me she’s in love with me, not just that she loves me.

What the heck do I do...I could go on forever about the mental circus, but I know this is not the first you have heard of these things. Please help.

 --- Madly-Strangely-in-Love from Arizona

A:  Dear Bachelor:

Here is the long and short of it:  why are you still with this woman?  

Besides her being great in bed, it seems to me you have little respect for her and virtually no trust.  It sounds like she needs to work on way too much "stuff," particularly for a woman in her late 40's (or a lady of any age, for that matter.)  

The hardest thing to do is end a relationship, especially a 4-year-long commitment, as you two have shared—but you're miserable.  I also know thinking about dating again sounds like a daunting process.

Yes, finding new love is hard work!  Nothing worthwhile comes easy.   On the other hand, you can make dating fun, too.  That is what it should be, an adventure of the heart.

I must advise you end it with this lady, or forever hold your peace.  You can do it—I know you can.  Great sex isn't worth all this other messy stuff, is it?  

Now go hire a private matchmaker or join an online dating site (AFTER you have broken-up)—and shut down this mental circus for good.

I’m sending my love Gods your way—you'll need them!

Q & A / MAN SHE DUMPS PLANS MARRIAGE WITH SOMEONE ELSE, WAY TOO SOON!

Q: Hi, Chris:

My ex-boyfriend of 9-months and I broke up in May at my choice. He was ready to get married and I was scared. He started dating again in June and is now planning a wedding!!!

I sent him a couple of cards in July and August, telling him I was sorry and had made a huge mistake (and if the chance came up, I would LOVE a 2nd chance with him.)

He was married for approximately 15-years and divorced 14-years when we started dating. We’re both in our late forties and went to school and grew up together.

What's the chance of him really being IN LOVE with this 'rebound' (and IS IT a rebound?)? How can he date someone for 4-months and decide to marry her?

Thanks for any advice!

--- Killing me softly in Kansas

A: Dear Bachelorette:

Ouch and double ouch.

Something similar happened to me many moon years ago (not once, but twice; not because I was scared that I know of, but rather other circumstances, which shall remain private.)

It wasn’t a nine-month relationship as you had, but five-years and six-years respectively. While I didn’t officially break up with them, I may as well have—I pushed my time limit with these two men wishing to marry me.

One got married 6-months after our break-up, and the other got married barely 3-months afterward. The latter got divorced several months later (and then remarried AGAIN), and the first gentleman is still presumably and hopefully happily married for almost 20-years now.

I may have dodged a bullet with the second guy, but it still didn’t take away the sting and devastation when it happened—but enough about me!

Regardless of who broke up with whom, the man YOU loved has fallen in love with another woman, and so soon after YOUR break-up.

Now you find out he’s planning marriage only months later with somebody else, and you want to know is it a rebound?

Well, yes of course it’s a rebound. You rejected him big time. He asked for your hand in marriage!

You begging him to come back didn’t help, did it? No surprise there. I’ve learned long ago, if something is meant to be, it will happen organically (or not.) The phone also works both ways. If he wanted you back, he'd be in your arms already (but he's moved onward and forward, and you must, too!)

Crediting author Greg Behrendt as I’ve done before (from the book, “He’s Just Not That Into You”), they call it a “break-up” for a reason—it’s broken!

Not everything broken can (or even should) be fixed.

I also agree with another author, John Gray…Men ARE from Mars and Women ARE from Venus. We truly are wired differently.

So does it surprise me your boyfriend who wanted to marry you (but you weren’t ready and broke up with him) got back in the saddle so soon again? NO.

IT HAPPENS (and not just twice for me as earlier mentioned, but three times if you count back when I was just out of college—so consider me the poster child!)

As an expert, though, in this crazy world of dating and matchmaking (I say with LOVE in my heart and much experience), I see and hear everything—and I must say, once a man is seriously rejected, HE MOVES ON. Especially men in their 30’s, 40’s and older. There isn’t time for any doubt—they want a woman who wants what they want—WHEN they want it.

Basically, when a man wants to marry you and is ready to set a date—don’t mess around IF you love him unequivocally.

You weren't sure marriage was right for you at the time with this man. Accept things as they are and don't beat yourself up anymore—regardless how horrible it feels to be replaced in a millisecond.

Marriage itself isn’t right for everyone (says the deer caught in her own headlights.) You CAN have a loving relationship without marriage—particularly if children are not involved. That is a whole different topic I’d love to address one day, so readers, bring it on! (And NO, I am NOT anti-marriage. I am for whatever works as an individual.)

Meanwhile, treat yourself to something wonderful (maybe a trip to Madrid, or a luxury hotel spa weekend in your own city, or even a new hairstyle!) If you’re still suffering emotionally, please consider professional help. Whatever it costs, it’s worth talking things out in person.

Finally, I am truly sorry this happened to you. Through my own mistakes and some wisdom, I can tell you with conviction cut off ALL contact with your ex-boyfriend, DO NOT send him any more letters wishing for a second chance (never again, no matter how tempting!), and just LET HIM BE.

You WILL survive this “indignation” and be a better person for it.

You will also find love again or it will find you…on both your terms next time and when you’re truly ready for a long-term-relationship. Remember, not everything has to end in marriage either (true love can and does prosper in other choices of lifestyle, too.)

I'm sending you lots of warm wishes and healing karma (please revel in it!)

Q & A / PLAYBOY MAGAZINE CAUSING RIFF

Q: Hi, Chris:

I am 56-years-old, divorced and have been dating my boyfriend (a bachelor age 51 and living in Maryland) for 2.5 years. As time goes on, I'm finding out he's more selfish and stubborn than ever. We see each other on weekends, taking turns with locations. We do have some wonderful times together, but then he has this totally different side which comes out of nowhere.

Since dating him, I've gained some weight (not obese) and I'm trying to get it off. He always says he loves me and my body as I am. I don't let my weight keep us from having a good sex life. His actions with Playboy publications, however, speak louder than words.

Here's the scenario:

We went into a bookstore, so I could find the Mediterranean diet. While I was looking, he picked out a few books AND a 2010 Playboy calendar. When I noticed the calendar I asked him, "Are you going to buy that?" and he said YES. His response to "why?” was, "because I can.”

I was visibly upset because he told me he would stop buying these at the end of 2008, and now I'm wondering why must he have this visual stimulation?

What an in-your-face contradiction this was to me and came across as disrespectful. He said he continues his Playboy subscription because he likes to read the articles, but it all seems like a lie now. I became silent and told him he hurt my feelings as it makes me more insecure about my body. When I tried to talk with him about it, he stopped me, said he didn't want to hear it.

He lashed back with a rude comment "you need to get over your insecurity", and we went our separate ways since Labor Day morning and still neither one has called the other.

He actually became angry with me because I was upset with him for hurting my feelings. (This always happens and I'm the one who typically breaks the silence.) I vowed this time to not do so and haven't contacted him. There have been a few other situations lately where he's been cocky.

My question is, am I wrong to feel so upset about his behavior with Playboy magazine/calendars? I'm thinking about dumping him, am I right?

-- Fuming in Fairfax, VA

A: Dear Bachelorette:

Playboy magazine is a pretty harmless magazine in my opinion, but I'm more liberal than most in those areas. Heck, I'd probably read it with him—as long as he doesn't mind my copy of Playgirl!

Where I'm not so liberal is someone who comes across as disrespectful, arrogant and not very compassionate. Your boyfriend, pardon me, sounds like he's been displaying those signs much too often.

It was rude for him to throw the Playboy calendar in your face, when he knows you want to lose weight and get back in shape. It was thoughtless and aggressive; he knew you went to the bookstore to buy a DIET book.

I wouldn't be so hard on him, though, for reading Playboy itself or buying a silly calendar (and I agree with him about one thing--stop being insecure about your body!) He tells you he loves you and your body when you're naked, right? I would take that at face value.

As far as dumping him, unless he's consistently making you feel inadequate, I'd do exactly as you are now--DO NOT CONTACT HIM. It's his turn to come around TO YOU. As you stated, you're the one who usually breaks the silence. I wonder why that is? It sounds like you are insecure about your partnership.

Good relationships take a lot of work, and it's not easy for anyone at any age--but when you are 50's and older, it's even harder to find someone compatible.

SO, if you have more wonderful times with him than not, I'd say hang in there and make sure you develop more of a spine. Demand he treat you respectfully with his words AND actions (meaning it's okay for him to read Playboy, but if he knows it bothers you, he shouldn't throw it in your face.)

Otherwise, do not bug him anymore about Playboy--or you will come across as an insecure niggling nag, and no man wants that in his life. Also, your sex life is good, so his reading habits aren't affecting that area at all (and may even be improving it :)

On the flip side, if you experience more bad times with this man than good, maybe it is time you give him the heave-ho. Sounds like your boyfriend needs to decide how much he wants you in his life, too.

P.S. While this may sound silly or "tit for tat,” next time you're in the bookstore with him, why don't you pick up a Playgirl magazine??? I would love to see or hear his reaction. I mean what's good for the goose, is good for the gander, right?

Thank you for writing. I really hope you two can work it out, and if not, bye-bye Mr. Playboy.

Q & A / SHY GIRL MAY BE SIMMERING INSIDE

Q: Hi, Chris:

A shy girl in my work place is avoiding me.  Whenever she sees me she gets nervous and confused. I want to ask her out, but I don’t know if she is interested or not ?  THANK YOU.

-- Confused 30-year-old in Boston

A: Dear Bachelor:

Unless you're stalking the shy girl at work (which I presume you're not), then let's try an approach where perhaps she'll open up more easily.   

You say she gets nervous and confused around you.  That's a sure sign she may have a secret crush on you, too! 

How about the next time you see her, find something to compliment her about and make sure it's genuine.  For example, maybe she normally wears slacks or jeans to work, but one day she has on a cute, red dress. You can say, "Hey, Sally, great dress and color on you!"  Then immediately start some idle chit chat.  It can be anything appropriate like, "So what did you do last weekend?"  

After she stumbles around and answers you, tell her something interesting YOU did. Then whether your conversation is awkward or not, go right into something like, "You know, I heard about a great art exhibit at the Museum of Fine Arts, and I'm wondering if you'd be interested in joining me next Saturday afternoon?"  

If she's interested in you and available, she'll definitely say yes.  When somebody likes you, they won't care so much what you do on a first date, as long as you ask them out.  

Since you say she's the shy and nervous type, though, I recommend doing something where you don't have to spend the whole time talking. This means eliminate the traditional "first time" dinner date, until another time.  Those can be nerve-wracking enough for non-shy types! 

Beside the art exhibit idea mentioned earlier, you can take her to a ball game (find out if she's interested in the Red Sox!); or maybe grab an ice cream cone and take a walk in a public park; or go to a theme park if there's one near by (who doesn't love a roller coaster ride and a giant cotton candy?)

You sound like a nice young man yourself.  Please go for it, and let me know what happens!

Ask me your question now!

Hi, Readers:  

Although I'm taking off August, please shoot me an email and ask me your dating or relationship question.   I'd love to add to the advice blog for September. 

When you write, please tell me your age, first name and city or state you reside.  I will answer your question personally, even if we don't choose it for our blog.  If we do post in the blog, your name is never used.  We use the alias, "bachelor" or "bachelorette," for privacy reasons.  

You will have to email me through your own account for now;  just copy and paste the following email address, along with your dilemma at: AskTheMatchmaker@yahoo.com

I can't wait to hear from some of you :)

--Chris at "Ask the Matchmaker"

   President of 4M Club Millionaire Matchmaking

Q & A / SURFING DATING SITES IS A HAZARD

Q: Hi, Chris:

I’m an older man who’s been crazy about an absolutely gorgeous 40-something gal for three years now.  Although we’ve always been good friends, "Allison" and I recently took it to a whole new and intimate level.  

I was on her computer and shocked to discover she joined three online dating sites. I found out about this only two weeks after our intimate encounter.  I’ve always had some insecurity with women, but this has taken it to a whole new level. 

What should I do?  I’m really hurt by this and very confused.

--- Losing it in Los Angeles

 

A: Dear Bachelor:

I'm sorry you discovered this; it is pretty devastating, especially if she joined these sites after you two became intimate, no less.

I have to ask, what the heck are you doing nosing around her computer?  

You alluded she recently joined.  How do you know she hasn't been on these sites forever?  Or did you break into her account on the dating sites (if you knew her password) and learn when she joined?  Or maybe it was her email you glanced through and saw "new membership" confirmations.

I don’t condone computer spying in the least.  But since the damage has already been done, I’ll continue.

If you're not sure how long Allison has been on these dating sites, I'd give her the benefit of doubt.  I hate saying this, but maybe keep an eye on her activity the next couple weeks.  Online dating sites make it pretty easy to do a profile search for free. If you do check, please do so on YOUR computer, never hers!

If you know for a fact she just joined these sites, then I'm sorry to say she's NOT INTERESTED in you--bottom line.  At least not interested for anything long-term.

Certainly bring this discovery of yours up to Allison, IF you can explain your actions. Or maybe it was more innocent than that (perhaps she left her computer on and you saw the damage on a window left open)... either way, you definitely need to have a discussion.   

Trust is sorely lacking here, and without trust, you have no relationship.  Or if she is dallying around at your emotional expense, you need to know that, too.

Online dating sites are the kiss-of-death for many otherwise solid relationships. I like to call it "grass-is-greener" syndrome. Society didn't have this problem pre-Internet; you actually had to work on your relationship, or otherwise wait longer to meet someone the old-fashioned way! 

I’d love to hear from other readers about this topic—has your partner spent time surfing online dating sites, instead of working on the relationship?  How did you handle this situation when you found out?   

This issue needs to be addressed.  In the eight-years I've been professionally matchmaking, it's the NUMBER ONE subject coming up when interviewing candidates.

This is serious, folks; and it's such unnecessary pain to put your partner through.  

Let's not forget the Golden Rule: "do unto others."

Q & A / HE'S PLAYING WITH FIRE AT WORK

Q: Hi, Chris:

I'm a 29-year-old guy in love with an older married woman from work.  She has no kids and loads of problems with her husband.  

"Sandy" and I go to lunch almost every day, but I haven't told her my feelings.  She's very unhappy and talks about divorcing this guy all the time.  I fantasize about this woman day and night.  I think she's into me too.  I'm guessing she doesn't want to mix a bad marriage with an affair, which I'd like to initiate.  

Short of quitting my job and forgetting Sandy, I'm really lost here.  What should I do?

--Lost in Louisana

 

A: Dear Bachelor:

Find a single woman who is available--Sandy is not.  

You sound like a sweet guy who is fantasizing about the wrong woman.  Sandy has enough on her plate, so please stop the lunches and make yourself as unavailable as possible.  She needs a new sounding board (translation: a professional counselor), because it's affecting you.  Your frequent and convenient lunches don't help her situation either.  In fact, they complicate it.

Don't quit your job.  Promise yourself you won't fall in love with anyone else in the workplace, because it's rarely worth it.  Or if you do, please keep it to appropriately available women.

Married co-workers "canoodling" with single co-workers is a huge no-no.  So don't even go there.

You and Sandy shared lots of lunches together, so I know you like to eat.  Sign up today for an evening or weekend cooking class.  You'll find tons of lovely, single ladies who love to stir the pot--maybe even one of them with you :)  

Please write me again and let me know what happened in that cooking class!  I'm keeping my food, er, fingers crossed.

HAPPY 4th of July!

Stay tuned until next time.  Make sure you take a peek at some of our previous posts.  If you have a dating or relationship question yourself, please drop me a line at: AskTheMatchmaker@yahoo.com.   

All questions will be answered, whether posted on our blog or not.  

Have a safe and wonderful holiday weekend!

Q&A / NICE PHONE BUDDY ISN'T ENOUGH

Q: Hi, Chris:

I'm 39 and have been out of the dating world for a while now.  I signed onto a couple of dating sites and I'm getting a good amount of responses.

I met “Greg” and we’ve been on three dates.  On each date he's been a gentleman, romantic and engaging.  I'm excited to be dating Greg because he is extremely active.  It’s great because I'm in grad school and working full time, and I can't handle someone needing a full time relationship.  

Recently Greg’s business has picked up and hockey season started, meaning less time for me.  I'm annoyed because I've lost the sweet responsive guy who returned my calls and emails, to a guy who falls asleep after asking me if I'll stay up for him (late night phone call).  

I really like him, and I understand why he's tired, BUT I'm getting annoyed. I don't know if I should run or hang in there, as he's a really nice guy.  My friends say I should stop calling him and make him work more.

Help, please.

--- Too nice in Atlanta

 

A: Dear Bachelorette:

This one is easy. 

First, you’re having an email and phone relationship, which is NOT a real relationship. You both need to do a little more planning and SEE each other. Countless emails and phone calls waste precious time you and Greg can be spending together. 

I understand you don’t want a full time relationship at this stage, but a part-time phone buddy and pen pal does not create romance.  And why isn’t Greg clamoring to see you?  Okay, I'll answer my own question:  by emailing and phoning him so much, you've given him no incentive to pursue you. 

I’m with your friends on this one.  Greg should be planning his next date with you, not asking you to stay up for late night phone calls (which he can’t even stay awake long enough to chat!)

The word “lazy” comes to mind—for both of you.  Sorry, I call it (pun intended), the way I see it.

No more emails and phone calls, please, unless it’s to plan your next outing.  Let him call YOU…it’s time he shows you are worth it.  Tie your hands together if you feel the urge to pick up the phone, unless it's RINGING.

____________________________________________________

Single professionals are welcome to E-mail Chris at:
AsktheMatchmaker@yahoo.com, or send letters to Chris Stelmack,
P.O. Box 9871, Seattle, WA 98109.  All letters become property
of the column. Visit Chris at www.4mclub.com.

Q&A / IS HE CHEATING??

Q: Hi, Chris:

There is a popular rumor going around my group of friends. They say my boyfriend, "Russ," cheated on me with this one chick, "Jenny."  No one has any proof, and my boyfriend never told anyone it happened. 

For a month straight, Russ was always hanging out with this one dude (Jenny lives with him.)  Everyone thought Russ was cheating on me and for a little bit; I began to believe the rumors.  I asked him more than once if anything ever happened between them, and he swears up and down nothing ever did. 

It drives me crazy because maybe he is telling me the truth, and maybe he isn't.  I'm afraid I'll never know the truth. 

If Russ did cheat on me, he is the only one who knows and will never admit it.  I can't end our relationship over something that might not have happened. I find it hard for me to get closer to him, because the idea of him cheating is in the back of my mind.

I don't know what to do or how to handle this.  Please help.

--- Miserable in Missouri

 

A: Dear Bachelorette:

Oh, dear.  Where there is smoke, there is usually fire.  And sometimes where there is smoke, that's all it is—smoke. Nothing more, nothing less. 

You say if Russ cheated on you, he is the only one who knows. Well, we know that's not true.  If he cheated with Jenny, then Jenny knows, too.  Or if it was an Ménage à trois, then all three of them know:  Russ, Jenny and "the dude."

I'm going to tell you, for peace of mind, please give Russ the benefit of doubt.  Why? Because rumors can rear their ugly little head.  Rumors are just that...rumor.  Not fact.

You wonder what was going on when Russ hung out with his dude friend for a month. Maybe your boyfriend just needed guy time, and Jenny was an innocent bystander.  Since this dude and Jenny live together, where is she supposed to go when he has friends over?

At worse, maybe your boyfriend had a little crush on Jenny, while visiting his friend. That may explain why he was hanging out there a wee bit too often.   If so, looks like he got over it, since Russ is not hanging out there as much.

As I alluded earlier, maybe Russ just needed some space and wanted to hang out with his friend.  I'm all for giving space, but never at the expense of neglecting your significant other. Maybe those are things you should talk about with Russ.  

And the next time he heads for "dude's" home, ask if you can hang out with everyone, too.   That makes the most sense to me: you, Russ, dude and Jenny.  Go out for dinner; go to a concert or go dancing—all four of you.

Now go put a big smile on your face and give Russ a big hug and kiss.  Keep the fires burning, so home-sweet-home to him is hanging out with you, too :)

____________________________________________________

Single professionals are welcome to E-mail Chris at:
AsktheMatchmaker@yahoo.com, or send letters to Chris Stelmack,
P.O. Box 9871, Seattle, WA 98109.  All letters become property
of the column. Visit Chris at www.4mclub.com.

Q&A / MIXED MESSAGES AREN'T SO MIXED AFTER ALL

Q: Hi, Chris:

I’d like your opinion on a recent dating experience.  I met up with a man I knew many years ago.  We talked briefly, and I told him to give me a call sometime. 

Within a few days he called and we decided to get together.  We spent a few hours catching up at a park, both of us saying it was a nice relaxing day, and we should do it again soon.

Next time I heard from him was four days later.  He said he wasn't ready for a relationship, he was too set in his ways, and we are too different.  I felt he was giving me a lot of mixed messages.

He had a really bad marriage and was afraid of being hurt again. He’s also in a state of depression. I explained we’ve all had bad relationships, but if you want to have a relationship at all, you have to risk getting hurt.

Where do you think I stand with this man? I think we would do well together, but I’m not going to chase him or hope for something that will never be.  I look forward to hearing from you.

--- State of confusion, California

 

A: Dear Bachelorette:

I had a few questions before I tackled your question, but I was unable to get a hold of you.  So I will read between the lines.

You initiated the original get-together, which in guy code is “hey, she’s into me; why not meet her?” 

I don’t know about you, but I want the guy into ME.  So he asks me out, not the other way around.  If that sounds too old fashioned, just read the book, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” by Greg Behrendt. (Make sure you read the book, which came before the lame movie of the same name.)

If you have a brain cramp and initiate something with a man again, don’t ever expect more than he can give you. Based on what you tell me, it doesn’t sound like he is ready now for any kind of a relationship.

It also sounds like this guy may be hiding something (are you sure he’s still not married?)  My educated guess is he still may be involved with someone, whether his former wife (if he’s even legally divorced!) or someone else.

If your friend truly is not involved with anyone, but still in a state of depression, then he needs professional help immediately.  He actually did you a favor by “ending” something, before it ever began

You deserve an emotionally healthy and available man who’s chasing YOU, because you're worth it, right? 

P.S.  One last thing.  When a man tells you he’s not ready for a relationship, take him at face value and MOVE ON.

Q&A / MANAGER TOO HOT TO HANDLE? / IGNORED CALLS AND TEXTS DRIVE FIANCEE' NUTS

Q: Hi, Chris:

Recently a new supervisor took over our department, and she is hot. I get about four comments a week from other guys. Anyway we always end up hanging out late together, and she makes subtle advances at me. I want to sleep with her but she is my manager. How should I handle this?

--- Chicago, late night work with hottie


A: Dear Bachelor:

Maybe install a cooling fan in the office, so things aren’t so heated up??

You seem to be handling your hot manager just fine, from where I sit.

You don’t say if you’re hanging out late together at the office or outside of it. If it’s the former, as I suspect, keep things on a professional level. If her subtle advances are not harassment, but lighthearted flirting—you have my permission to go with the flow, but keep your evening office banter appropriate (i.e. no sexual innuendo chit chat!)

Talking to her about your cat, favorite sports team, world hunger or the latest iPhone app, however, is all within bounds.

Better yet, try and keep things strictly business. Do whatever work needs to be done, sans bantering, and hike on outta there. She can’t fault you for completing “late night” work and calling it a day. (Make sure after-hours work really is necessary, otherwise you’re just finding
an excuse to hang our with her.)

Boss/supervisor relationships should never be condoned or acted upon sexually. Sometimes easier said than done, but worth it in the end.

Kudos to you for keeping your head on your shoulders—and your hormones in check. Now she needs to cool her engines and act like a real manager.



Q: Hi, Chris:

My fiancee goes out with her girlfriends and ignores me. I can call or text her, but she won't respond. The few times I needed to find her she was exactly where she stated she would be, as I had to go there. How can I get her to answer the phone when she is with others?

--- Phone funk with fiancee’ in Fairbanks


A: Dear Bachelor:

Your fiancee shouldn’t have to answer the phone when she is out with friends. Back in the day (with no cell phones), you went out and weren’t bothered by anyone.

Where is your faith in your fiancee? Nothing is worse than your partner unnecessarily texting or phoning you, especially when hanging out with the girls.

Unless she's with them more than she is with you, then we have a whole different issue to explore. But if it's not excessive, it doesn't sound like there is anything to worry about.

You say the few times you needed her she was exactly where she said she was---it looks like you were checking up on her. Trust issues or insecurity seem to be an underlying factor here. This is something you’re going to have to deal with on your own, because it doesn’t seem to be her problem. If she’s faithful, as you’ve indicated, you have nothing to worry about.

Unless you’re locked out of your home, or there is a fire, death, burglary, sudden illness or car accident, there isn’t any good reason to call her when she’s out having a good time. Asking her, for example, what time you should put the chicken in the oven, doesn’t qualify!

If that’s hard for you to do, start training yourself: every time you start to text or call her, stop and eat a banana. Or a handful of cashews.

Just keep your fingers off the dial pad!

P.S. Let her enjoy herself when she’s with her friends. Use that time and do something fun for yourself—go to a movie, take a bike ride or visit a buddy you haven’t seen in a while. When she comes back home and sees you’re out and about, she’ll appreciate you even more :)