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Friday, May 29, 2009

Q&A / MANAGER TOO HOT TO HANDLE? / IGNORED CALLS AND TEXTS DRIVE FIANCEE' NUTS

Q: Hi, Chris:

Recently a new supervisor took over our department, and she is hot. I get about four comments a week from other guys. Anyway we always end up hanging out late together, and she makes subtle advances at me. I want to sleep with her but she is my manager. How should I handle this?

--- Chicago, late night work with hottie


A: Dear Bachelor:

Maybe install a cooling fan in the office, so things aren’t so heated up??

You seem to be handling your hot manager just fine, from where I sit.

You don’t say if you’re hanging out late together at the office or outside of it. If it’s the former, as I suspect, keep things on a professional level. If her subtle advances are not harassment, but lighthearted flirting—you have my permission to go with the flow, but keep your evening office banter appropriate (i.e. no sexual innuendo chit chat!)

Talking to her about your cat, favorite sports team, world hunger or the latest iPhone app, however, is all within bounds.

Better yet, try and keep things strictly business. Do whatever work needs to be done, sans bantering, and hike on outta there. She can’t fault you for completing “late night” work and calling it a day. (Make sure after-hours work really is necessary, otherwise you’re just finding
an excuse to hang our with her.)

Boss/supervisor relationships should never be condoned or acted upon sexually. Sometimes easier said than done, but worth it in the end.

Kudos to you for keeping your head on your shoulders—and your hormones in check. Now she needs to cool her engines and act like a real manager.



Q: Hi, Chris:


My fiancee goes out with her girlfriends and ignores me. I can call or text her, but she won't respond. The few times I needed to find her she was exactly where she stated she would be, as I had to go there. How can I get her to answer the phone when she is with others?

--- Phone funk with fiancee’ in Fairbanks


A: Dear Bachelor:

Your fiancee shouldn’t have to answer the phone when she is out with friends. Back in the day (with no cell phones), you went out and weren’t bothered by anyone.

Where is your faith in your fiancee? Nothing is worse than your partner unnecessarily texting or phoning you, especially when hanging out with the girls.

Unless she's with them more than she is with you, then we have a whole different issue to explore. But if it's not excessive, it doesn't sound like there is anything to worry about.

You say the few times you needed her she was exactly where she said she was---it looks like you were checking up on her. Trust issues or insecurity seem to be an underlying factor here. This is something you’re going to have to deal with on your own, because it doesn’t seem to be her problem. If she’s faithful, as you’ve indicated, you have nothing to worry about.

Unless you’re locked out of your home, or there is a fire, death, burglary, sudden illness or car accident, there isn’t any good reason to call her when she’s out having a good time. Asking her, for example, what time you should put the chicken in the oven, doesn’t qualify!

If that’s hard for you to do, start training yourself: every time you start to text or call her, stop and eat a banana. Or a handful of cashews.

Just keep your fingers off the dial pad!

P.S. Let her enjoy herself when she’s with her friends. Use that time and do something fun for yourself—go to a movie, take a bike ride or visit a buddy you haven’t seen in a while. When she comes back home and sees you’re out and about, she’ll appreciate you even more :)

Friday, May 22, 2009

Q&A / AGE IS ONLY A NUMBER, OR IS IT?

Q: Hi, Chris:



What do women in there 40’s and 50’s (but look 10 years or younger) do these days? I don’t look even close to my age, yet I don’t want to lie.

Men online and the age I typically date rarely look in my category. Yet I look the same age of women many of these guys prefer. Sometimes I think I should put the age I look, rather than the age I am.

I'm considered a very attractive woman and people every day mistake me for 10-years younger. I’m attracted to younger men and they’re attracted to me. I feel really stuck, and I’m not sure what to do.



--- Washington state, Aging beautifully


A: Dear Bachelorette:



This question is near and dear to my heart. Here is what I’ve discovered:



If you’ve met someone OFFLINE on your own (like bumping into a cute guy at the grocery store), there is no need to mention your chronological age before you’ve had several dates. Even then it’s not necessary, unless he asks your age and you’re comfortable sharing it. 



If you’re doing ONLINE dating, just select your age on the dating site as something silly, like 99 (although it might reduce your chances having appropriate men preview your profile and photos.) It’s certainly harmless enough to do, though. It makes its point in a humorous way, particularly if someone takes a peek and sees a lovely woman who is obviously younger than age 99.

This may even start an engaging conversation about why age really matters anyway!

My personal vote for filling out online dating profiles may surprise you. However politically incorrect, I say if you feel a need, put the age “you look” (but PLEASE be realistic!) You know if this applies to you or not--I’m certainly not suggesting everyone do it. But it's also not a crime if you do. (Anyone under age 40 shouldn't even have to think about it. Pa-leeze!)

Now getting back to our "Aging Beautifully" reader (by the way, she shared her photo with me and she looks FANTASTIC):

If people you bump into regularly mistake you for 10-years younger, and are shocked to learn otherwise, use that number on your online dating profile. If that's not the case, then don't.

Let your inner voice steer you once you meet the guy. If your first date leads to a couple more, good for you! Your age at that point isn't really relevant.

As long as the person you’re dating isn’t looking to have biological kids, and you're not hiding any serious health issues from him, where is the harm?

Let’s face it; if you’ve made it to date three, the guy is into you. From that point on, do what you feel is best and where your conscience guides you.

If the man is truly attracted to you, he probably won't care about your age at that point. He might be secretly thrilled to have captivated a wise and older beautiful woman. If not, then move onward and forward.

Think of it as his loss, not yours.

Ageism is rampant in the U.S., and is generally less so in Europe. Men in Europe tend to appreciate a beautiful and older woman, just like fine wine. In the U.S., not so much.

I’ll probably get flack for my response, particularly from men. So if there are any guys out there who wish to respond, I’d love to hear from you!

I document and verify the age of all my members for my matchmaking club, but that’s expected for business and professional reasons. If I tell a client he’s dating a 38-year-old, then she's 38, because we’ve done a background check.

But if you want to chat personally, and not professionally, it’s not as black and white!



Women AND men have lied to me about their age over the years (when applying to my matchmaking club.) Guess what? It's getting worse, not better. It's sad when society and the media view those over 40 as has-beens. While it's worse for older women (even women 35 feel ancient), I can see men are starting to feel the dreaded age issue, too.

Bare in mind, until you’ve experienced “ageism” firsthand (whether dating or in the workplace), you’ll never know how ridiculous it is or how hurtful it can feel.

Men in particular place such emphasis on a woman’s chronological age, rather than how she actually looks, thinks, feels and acts. I experience this often with my own clients. Sometimes it’s justified, most of the time it’s not.

But in the world of upscale matchmaking, "give the customer what he wants." That doesn't mean I don't guide my bachelors when choosing potential soul mates (I do), but ultimately they decide who they wish to meet or not.

And men, as much as we love you, PLEASE don’t equate older women with bad health or low energy—there are just as many younger women with health problems or little energy, as there are older women with no health problems and high energy!

Best bet would be taking a health exam together, if that is what you’re worried about.

I am 100% for doing that, and it could be a bonding experience and informative at the same time. Your overall good health, body kept in shape and an interesting lifestyle, mean MORE than chronological age.

Or it should!

Amen.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Q&A / HE JUST WANTS SOME HORSING AROUND TIME / TV EXEC’S MANNERS NEED A REWRITE / HEART SURGEON’S OWN HEART BRUISED

CHRISTINE STELMACK
Columnist


Q: HI, CHRIS: 

I’m a single dad, and I’ve been talking on the phone with this really great lady I met online, “Becky.”  So far, we haven’t met in person.  She owns and trains horses, and I’m looking forward taking my little girl horseback riding with Becky, as she's invited us numerous times.  The problem is, there’s always some emergency which comes up in her life and getting together is postponed for the umpteenth time.  Is she blowing me off?

---Greenwich, CT—tired of waiting


A: Dear Bachelor: 

Doesn’t sound like there’s going to be happy trails for you two any time soon, my friend. If I were you, I’d take my daughter to the nearest horse ranch and have yourself a ball. Becky’s life sounds a little too full right now. Take a pass on her. Unless you want to continue a phone relationship with a female version of Mr. Ed!


Q: HI, CHRIS: 

I went on a blind date last night, and I just couldn’t figure this guy out. He was bright, handsome, and a top executive in the television industry. We had a pleasant conversation and a great dinner. So why am I so put off? Well, first of all, he was staring at my chest all night, and I wasn’t wearing anything revealing. As if that weren’t bad enough, he didn’t even walk me to my car when our date ended. I was parked on a dark street and was scared to death. I mean how rude was that? I expected a lot more from such a successful man.

---Livid in Los Angeles


A: Dear Bachelorette: 

Please never equate success with class. Apparently Mr. TV executive needs a bit of a lesson on social etiquette and manners. You can start by telling him why you don’t want to see him again. Write a note and spell it out. Like a script, he needs to see it in black & white.


Q: HI, CHRIS: 

I’ve been seeing this “to-die-for” actress for over six months. She’s driving me nuts, though, with her work schedule. I mean she’s on a shoot just about everyday for months on end. She lives, eats, and breathes acting. While she hasn’t reached the popularity of a Cameron Diaz or Julia Roberts, she’s in constant demand for B-type movies. I’m a heart surgeon, and while I also lead a hectic life, at least I make time for one. And because she keeps such crazy hours, our sex life is practically non-existent. I mean what does she need me for? I’m not sure what to do anymore.

---New York City, desperate to be her leading man

A: Dear Bachelor: 

Oh, dear. I see two things happening here. First, you seem a little threatened by her career. Secondly, it’s clear your relationship is deteriorating from a lack of communication. I also haven’t heard the “L” word come out of your mouth, but I trust you do, or you wouldn’t be writing me. Please sit her down for a heart-to-heart and long overdue talk, doctor. And show her this letter. It’s time she include you in her life too. If not, she’ll wind up going to her movie premieres solo with a broken heart, and you won't be around to repair it.


PUBLISHING OR SYNDICATION:
For inquiries on publishing or syndicating the Ask the Matchmaker! advice column in print, online, or TV/radio, please contact Chris Stelmack at: 206-372-5798.

All content property of Chris Stelmack. Any reproduction without prior consent is prohibited. © Copyright 2004, Chris Stelmack. All rights reserved.

__________________________________________________________________
Chris Stelmack, president of 4M Club, caters to affluent bachelors
looking for their significant bachelorette. Single professionals
are welcome to E-mail Chris at: AsktheMatchmaker@yahoo.com, or
send letters to Chris Stelmack, P.O. Box 9871, Seattle, WA 98109.
All letters become property of the column. Visit www.4mclub.com.

Friday, May 08, 2009

Q&A / FORMER STRIPPER ACT DOESN’T GYRATE WITH NEW BOYFRIEND / DID HER DOCTOR / CLINGY MAKES HIM RUN FOR THE HILLS

CHRISTINE STELMACK
Columnist


Q: HI, CHRIS: I’ve been dating this beautiful lady for a couple months now. She just turned 35, but looks about 25. We get along great and I feel like the luckiest guy in the world. So why am I writing? Well, over dinner the other night, my sweetheart dropped a bombshell on me. In “another life” it turns out she was a stripper for about six months. I was stunned and pretended it didn’t bother me, but now all I can think about is how my honey was baring all to the world. I really, really care for her and was starting to fall in love, but now I’m not so sure. What should I do?

---Stumped in Salt Lake City

A: Dear Bachelor: First of all, your sweetie wasn’t “baring all to the world." A couple dozen surly men a night, maybe, but not the whole world. But yes, I can see where this bit of news would hit you like a ton of bricks. So decide right now. Do you love her today for who she is? Or are you going to judge her for what she did years ago? Unless she's planning on doing more lap dances for pay, I'd stick around and see what else may develop. And if you're lucky, maybe she'll give you a private performance!


Q: HI, CHRIS: I’ve been divorced for about seven years and have an adorable 9-year old daughter, "Nicole." Two years ago, while Nicole was visiting her dad overseas, I had emergency gallbladder surgery. Several post-op visits later, my surgeon and I fell madly in love. Dr. “X” and I had a torrid affair all summer long, even after my daughter returned home. I finally broke it off, because he was married with three kids, and the guilt finally got to me. Now I miss him terribly. Did I do the right thing?

---Dumped the doctor in San Diego

A: Dear Bachelorette: Oh, my goodness, do you really have to ask me if you did the right thing? Well, yes, you did. And no, you didn’t do the right thing by having a hot and heavy affair with a married man and your surgeon, no less. Please, if you ever need emergency surgery again—run, don’t walk, to the nearest doctor wearing a skirt!


Q: HI, CHRIS: O.K., what do I do about a woman I’ve been dating only five weeks, but she’s already pressuring me to see her exclusively? I met her through a matchmaking service for professionals. Now all I want to do is meet other women and get her off my back. Yes, I really like “Sandy,” but her clinginess is causing me to run, run, run. What’s up with women and commitment so early in the game?

---Boston, Sprinting out of her life

A: Dear Bachelor: Ahh...the Venus and Mars thing. Women and commitment, men and their fear of commitment. But as surprised as you may be, I'm with you on this one. Five weeks is way to early for your insecure girlfriend to be calling the shots. She needs to chill a bit, before you run so fast you qualify for the Boston marathon!


PUBLISHING OR SYNDICATION:
For inquiries on publishing or syndicating the Ask the Matchmaker! advice column in print, online, or TV/radio, please contact Chris Stelmack at: 206-372-5798.

All content property of Chris Stelmack. Any reproduction without prior consent is prohibited. © Copyright 2004, Chris Stelmack. All rights reserved.

__________________________________________________________________
Chris Stelmack, president of 4M Club, caters to affluent bachelors
looking for their significant bachelorette. Single professionals
are welcome to E-mail Chris at: AsktheMatchmaker@yahoo.com, or
send letters to Chris Stelmack, P.O. Box 9871, Seattle, WA 98109.
All letters become property of the column. Visit www.4mclub.com.

Friday, May 01, 2009

Q&A / BIGWIG WANTS HER MAKE-UP SCRAPED OFF/ LAST MINUTE “LARRY” A LOSING MATCH / EARLY MORNING WAKE-UP CALL BAFFLES SUITOR

CHRISTINE STELMACK
Columnist


Q: HI, CHRIS: I met this woman for the first time yesterday afternoon. She’s very pretty with a great body, pleasant personality, and seemed smart enough for a fashion model. My concern is her face was so painted, you could scrape the make-up off with a knife. I own a very successful accounting practice, and I just can’t see bringing anyone around who wears so much war paint. Just wondering what I should do.

---Los Angeles, Blinded by the make-up

A: Dear Bachelor: She’s sexy, smart, nice, and pretty to boot; but wears too much make-up, you say? Well first, give her the benefit of the doubt. She’s a model and maybe she just came off a shoot. So don’t run yet. Good women are hard to find. Ask her out again and if she shows up looking like Loni Anderson (some might argue that’s not a bad thing), here’s what you do: tell her you’re allergic to most cosmetics and you’d love to see her wear less. Then quickly and sweetly say that with her natural beauty, she barely needs any. I’m guessing next time you see her, she’ll be glowing head to toe with half the make-up. Bring a trowel, though, just in case.


Q: HI, CHRIS: A co-worker fixed me up a few weeks ago, and my date and I hit it off over a casual lunch. But now I’m starting to worry. Several nights ago, “Larry” invited me at the last minute to see a Broadway musical downtown. He wanted dinner before the play and we had exactly 50-minutes until curtain time. He asked me if I had any suggestions, so I chose a restaurant by the theater since we were pressed for time. Larry said he'd been there before and wasn't nuts about the service, but he didn't know where else to go. After some cajoling, I convinced him to eat there since the clock was ticking. The service turned out to be great, as I told the wait staff we were in a rush. Well, Larry was in a huff throughout dinner, barely spoke to me, and he was very abrupt with the waitress. We made the show with a couple minutes to spare, but his attitude just spoiled everything for me. Who is the real “Larry,” the man I had fun with at lunch, or the grinch who acted like such a jerk at dinner?

---Last minute date in Louisville

A: Dear Bachelorette: As you know, I believe in the 3-date rule, but I’m about to throw it all down the drain. Sounds like Larry has some serious maturity issues and he needs to grow up. There is never any excuse to be rude to the wait staff or to your date. He should still be at the "I’m trying to charm you" stage. Dump this loser.


Q: HI, CHRIS: A friend of mine wants to set me up with this knock-out blonde. She lives in Memphis and I’m in Seattle, but I have no problem visiting or flying her out. We exchanged phone messages a couple times, but didn’t hook up until yesterday. Imagine my surprise when I heard my phone ringing at 5:30 a.m. on Saturday, and it was “Barbie.” Bleary eyed and groggy, she proceeded to bombard me with her tales of woe---a botched boob job. What ditz would call someone so early in the morning and not make note of the 3-hour time zone difference?

---Too early to breathe in Seattle

A: Dear Bachelor: A ditz named, “Barbie,” that’s who.


PUBLISHING OR SYNDICATION:
For inquiries on publishing or syndicating the Ask the Matchmaker! advice column in print, online, or TV/radio, please contact Chris Stelmack at: 206-372-5798.

All content property of Chris Stelmack. Any reproduction without prior consent is prohibited. © Copyright 2004, Chris Stelmack. All rights reserved.

__________________________________________________________________
Chris Stelmack, president of 4M Club, caters to affluent bachelors
looking for their significant bachelorette. Single professionals
are welcome to E-mail Chris at: AsktheMatchmaker@yahoo.com, or
send letters to Chris Stelmack, P.O. Box 9871, Seattle, WA 98109.
All letters become property of the column. Visit www.4mclub.com