Q: Hi, Chris:
I’m an older man who’s been crazy about an absolutely gorgeous 40-something gal for three years now. Although we’ve always been good friends, "Allison" and I recently took it to a whole new and intimate level.
I was on her computer and shocked to discover she joined three online dating sites. I found out about this only two weeks after our intimate encounter. I’ve always had some insecurity with women, but this has taken it to a whole new level.
What should I do? I’m really hurt by this and very confused.
--- Losing it in Los Angeles
A: Dear Bachelor:
I'm sorry you discovered this; it is pretty devastating, especially if she joined these sites after you two became intimate, no less.
I have to ask, what the heck are you doing nosing around her computer?
You alluded she recently joined. How do you know she hasn't been on these sites forever? Or did you break into her account on the dating sites (if you knew her password) and learn when she joined? Or maybe it was her email you glanced through and saw "new membership" confirmations.
I don’t condone computer spying in the least. But since the damage has already been done, I’ll continue.
If you're not sure how long Allison has been on these dating sites, I'd give her the benefit of doubt. I hate saying this, but maybe keep an eye on her activity the next couple weeks. Online dating sites make it pretty easy to do a profile search for free. If you do check, please do so on YOUR computer, never hers!
If you know for a fact she just joined these sites, then I'm sorry to say she's NOT INTERESTED in you--bottom line. At least not interested for anything long-term.
Certainly bring this discovery of yours up to Allison, IF you can explain your actions. Or maybe it was more innocent than that (perhaps she left her computer on and you saw the damage on a window left open)... either way, you definitely need to have a discussion.
Trust is sorely lacking here, and without trust, you have no relationship. Or if she is dallying around at your emotional expense, you need to know that, too.
Online dating sites are the kiss-of-death for many otherwise solid relationships. I like to call it "grass-is-greener" syndrome. Society didn't have this problem pre-Internet; you actually had to work on your relationship, or otherwise wait longer to meet someone the old-fashioned way!
I’d love to hear from other readers about this topic—has your partner spent time surfing online dating sites, instead of working on the relationship? How did you handle this situation when you found out?
This issue needs to be addressed. In the eight-years I've been professionally matchmaking, it's the NUMBER ONE subject coming up when interviewing candidates.
This is serious, folks; and it's such unnecessary pain to put your partner through.
Let's not forget the Golden Rule: "do unto others."