SINGLE PROFESSIONALS: You write, I answer!
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Q & A / 2nd Marriage Around Isn't Always Better
Q: Hi, Chris:
I was married very young at age 17. We were high school sweethearts, and he was 19. We had a baby just short of our second anniversary. Then another, and another. We were really very, very happy and made an amazing team. We rarely fought and accomplished a lot in our life together.
After about fifteen years of marriage, it really felt more like brother and sister; plus, I was now in my 30's and starting to see a little more of life. We ended up separating after 21 years of marriage. I finally met someone and he wanted me to get a divorce. I did and re-married. This man had lots of red flags. But in my defense, I had only dated my first husband and really didn't know a lot about men.
These red flags include: he cheated on his first wife twice, he went to massage parlors, he objectified every woman he saw & could not keep his eyes to himself, and he could have a temper that would include name calling. And yes, I married him. I fell for him and in love with him. Those red flags were not the only thing about him.
After several years with him I had enough, and we divorced. Through all this my first husband and I never were far from one another. We have always kept our homes close by and talk most everyday. He was the one I would always turn to, and I for him. Like I said, we are family.
My second husband is still very much wanting us to be together. I've tried, but I just don't trust or respect him enough to make the commitment again. And the man I truly admire is my first husband, but there is just no real romance between us. But both of us know each other, I mean really know one another.
We have known each other since we were 13 & 15. We are now 49 & 51. We have our children, our grandchildren, and we know the in's and out's of our family and navigate it all really well.
I know this might seem like a real no brainer. But what I have is great romance with one, and great friendship with the other. I find it incredibly difficult making such an important, life changing decision.
What would your advice be?
--- Torn between two lovers in Phoenix
A: Dear Bachelorette:
You have so much wonderful going on with your FIRST husband, it would be a shame not to enjoy your remaining years with him. You obviously still love and respect each other.
You can build romance again--YOU CAN. You had great romance with him before, and somewhere along the way it went POOF (probably when the kids came, as often happens.)
He was your sweetheart once, and he can be your sweetheart again. I actually recommend an audio series called, LIGHT HIS FIRE, LIGHT HER FIRE, by Dr. Ellen (marriage expert.) Go online and take a peek (there is also a free demo.) The website address is: http://www.lightyourfire.com/video2.htm.
It's a "course" you both can take and trust me, those embers will burn brightly and bigger than ever before! In fact, you don't have to be married to learn lots from her series; it's for singles in a relationship, too!
FORGET about your 2nd husband already--he sounds like a loser x's ten. He is what's known as a BAD BOY, which all to often women fall for, and then one day wake up saying, "what was I thinking when I married him?" This man must have been really hot-to-trot in bed or in looks, but as you now realize, that can only carry a relationship so far.
Trust, kindness, respect, fun, love, romance and dignity, though, can last forever! Yes, it has to be nurtured daily and never to be taken for granted.
Your first husband sounds like a gem. Please stay with him for good this time :)
Posted by Stelmack, Dating Advice Pro at 2/13/2010