HAPPY NEW YEAR 2011

Dear Readers:

Who will be the first to ask me their burning question for 2011?

I hope it's YOU.

Just write me at: AskTheMatchmaker@yahoo.com.

We'll put it on the site this week.

Bless all of you!!

Chris a.k.a. Ask The Matchmaker

Q & A / Why Rush to Get Her In Bed?

Q: Hi, Chris:

I recently met a woman who I really like, but she seemed rather reserved. How do I know how good in bed she’ll be, when she acted like an Ice Princess on our first date? I've asked her out again and she readily accepted.

--- Can't wait for some action in Atlanta

A: Dear Bachelor:

Melt this Ice Princess with your charm?

Seriously, when you get to know her with NO expectations, it will win her over tenfold...and you’ll have your answer sooner than later.

And what SHOULD she have done on a first date—maybe a strip tease act at the dinner table? Some men are never satisfied.

Sex only complicates matters, so waiting for it until BOTH parties are truly ready will be a beautiful thing.

Keep it zipped up for now.

Q & A / This Guy Is Just A Total Loser

Q: Hi, Chris:

I need to know if there is any help for my situation.

I met the owner of a small shop doing repairs on my car. After my car was fixed and bill paid, he sent me a text and asked if I was interested.

We communicated by text for the next couple days. I told him I was used to phone calls and not texts. I was told he would call the next day and he didn’t (nor did he text.)

One week later I get a text telling me he had his kids for Easter weekend and he had been slammed at work. He said it wasn’t an excuse, just what has been going on.

I told him a guy who is interested in me generally keeps in contact. He texted back he didn't know me and wasn’t sure if he was interested. I told him when he figured things out let me know. I haven't heard from him in over a week.

What is the proper way to reply to a guy who shows interest, and then says he doesn't know if he’s interested after all?

Will I be hearing from this guy again? If so, how do I treat him? I have always been a doormat in the past, and I think I was too harsh with the reply I gave him.

--- Baffled in Baton Rouge

A: Dear Bachelorette:

This guy is a total loser with a capital “L” (for lazy?)

First, he’s the owner of a small business who hit on one of his customers. Maybe he thought it ethically smarter to text you? It wasn't, it was goosebumps sleazy.

Secondly, for all you know he’s married (or separated) and just looking for a little action on the side.

Third, he sounds arrogant and cocky, and not the least bit interested in you or your feelings.

LASTLY, why did you even bother chasing this guy? Chasing or making demands never lands the man. There was nothing wrong with anything you told him, but it won't be necessary with the right guy (and he definitely is not.)

Please take a crash course in SELF-ESTEEM, so you recognize when a man is really interested the next time around (‘Mr. Fix It’ isn’t your guy!)

P.S. When a man respects a woman (and vice versa), your communications together will flow naturally. This clearly wasn’t the case. If he were seriously interested, he would have asked you on a real date (even coffee!) within hours of meeting you. Instead, he played you for a fool texting only at his convenience.

Side note: Readers, texts and relationships are NOT a match. Texting should be short, sweet and NO CONVERSATIONS. Save important chats for face-to-face meetings or the phone (yes, the TELL-EEE-PHONE, from the Stone Ages.)

Q & A / Is He Just Cheap or Flat Broke?

Q: Hi, Chris:

I've recently been on two stellar dates with a man I met online. The second date ended in a memorable kiss. He has many of the qualities I'm looking for in a potential partner and I am very interested to learn more about him... except that I am concerned by a potential red flag: on neither date did he offer to pay.

The first date, I let it slide, as we just met for coffee. However, I was very surprised when, on our second date, he didn't stop me when I pulled out my wallet. After dinner, we went out for one more drink at another spot, and he didn't offer to pay there, either!

By no means am I a gold digger... and once it gets going, I actually appreciate a relationship that has some balance among partners. However, I'm still a little old-fashioned when it comes to the early stages of dating and am concerned about what his unwillingness to foot the bill might mean--either about his interest in me or about his attitudes about money in general.

If the man doesn't offer to pay... is this a red flag or, worse, a deal breaker?

--- Feeling used and confused in Buffalo, NY

A: Dear Bachelorette:

Two stellar dates? He sounds stellar cheap to me.

Huge red flags are flying here and everywhere!

Yes, the man should always pay on the first date--and in my opinion, the 2nd and 3rd, too. Although I'm with you at some point the woman should step up to the plate (such as offer to pay by the third or fourth date, but never the first few!)

And for those guys who ALWAYS like to pay (bless you), the woman should generously reciprocate with either home-cooked meals here and there, tickets to a concert, take him to HIS favorite restaurant, etc. No man ever wants to feel used, but there are still men out there who enjoy playing the role of "protector and provider." And when a woman takes care of her man, too (once you're past the initial dating stage), the whole world is a happier place :)

I'm sure guys and girls in their 20's will dispute what I say, but you're in your early 30's...and that's about where the cut-off seems to be these days. Women 30's and older pretty much expect a man pay on a first date. Let twenty-something's do their own thing (okay, I still think a guy should pay the first couple dates, no matter how old or not.)

You seem enchanted with this fellow (and good men are hard to come by), but keep your wallet tightly tucked in your purse next time! In fact, why were you so quick to draw it out for coffee, dinner AND drinks?

The whole coffee things bothers me almost more than he not buying dinner (okay, they're both in poor taste)....but if the guy can't offer to pick up coffee, geez! The only exception is if he arrives super early and already bought his latte. Even then he should still offer to buy yours (it's what gentlemen do!)

I'll nix your theory maybe he's not interested (assuming after your coffee date he's the one who asked you out for dinner.) A guy doesn't ask you on a second date if he doesn't like you, especially since he didn't even pop for coffee first time around.

Because you really like this guy, go ahead and explore things further---but under no circumstances are you to pay the next couple dates. I don't care if that means you have a face-off or get up and go to the bathroom when the check arrives (good idea in his case!)

One other thing---are you sure this guy is really employed?

It could be he's out-of-work and truly flat broke. In this scenario, do you really want to continue dating someone who needs to get his act together? The last thing you want to do is fall for any, "I'm a victim of the economy and broke" act. If this turns out to be the case, he is in no position to date anyone until he has an income.

If you know for a fact he really is gainfully employed, then please follow my earlier instructions. The truth will come out within the next few dates.

Your intuition is RIGHT ON, so continue to trust it. If you let him take advantage of your generous spirit again, then "tsk tsk" on you (but I know you won't let that happen :)

Happy eating--on his dime next time. And the next.

P.S. I like your generosity, though...but use it on a new guy you DON'T like. In other words, if you ever go on a first date and you absolutely know you don't want to see the person again (yet sense he's really digging you), I give you permission to pay up. I've done it myself a few times, out of guilt :)

Q & A / Weekend Lover Not Enough For Her

Q: Hi, Chris:

I've been dating a wonderful guy for about 1.5 years now.

We met on a dating website and hit it off immediately. Both of us are divorced with kids, and our families have grown to love each other dearly! My kids are in college, and his two kids are in high school (one is going to college this fall.)

He knows I want to get married, but he is still dealing with issues. How long should I wait?

I certainly don't want to give him an ultimatum, but I also want to get on with my life. I'm going to be 50 soon (he's 48); I don't want to waste my time if he's not interested in marrying me. And if he is thinking of waiting for both kids to be in college, I'm not sure I want to wait four years.

We are together all weekend, but when school starts on Monday, he is back to being a full-time dad and only has time to talk to me by phone.

I really do love him. He is the total opposite of my ex-husband. He is a real gem, but I don't know what I should do or say.

Help.

--- Frustrated in Ft. Lauderdale

A. Dear Bachelorette:

I hate to say this (and experienced it once myself); BUT, his kids come first and foremost--get used to it, or get out.

Since I don't see you "getting out," then deal with the fact he's a father first, and your lover/friend second. Personally, I think it shouldn't be a contest (ever!), but as someone who doesn't have children, it's easier for me to take this stance.

I think the real issue here is lack of communication. You've been with this man for almost two years, so you're way overdue for THE TALK.

Make him a lovely, romantic dinner and afterward take a stroll outside. Hand-in-hand, you can easily (and gently) tell him how you feel, and if he loves you as much as you love him, then he should take what you say very seriously. You have the right to know if this man plans on marrying you, and if so WHEN.

It sounds like you're his weekend lover. He shuts you out during the week (except for phone calls), when he turns into playing the role of Mr. Mom. While I commend his fatherly duties, it seems a little out-of-whack to me. Personally, if this man is crazy about you, he should sneak an evening or two during the work week. Even a quick bite to eat mid-week (with kids in tow or not) would be nice.

It sounds like a long-term relationship of convenience for him. Now go find out how much love there is in his tank (enough to marry you when you turn 50?) That actually would be pretty cool to celebrate both lasting love and your birthday!

While you don't want to give him an ultimatum, please be very clear about your needs. If he's not going to start planning marriage with you (and yes, 4-years is too long to wait, if it's going to make you miserable), then perhaps this isn't the right relationship for you.

You're not playing games here--this is serious business. And kids or not, YOU should be at the top of his list too!

I hope he steps up to the commitment plate. Let me know.

Q & A / 2nd Marriage Around Isn't Always Better

Q: Hi, Chris:

I was married very young at age 17. We were high school sweethearts, and he was 19. We had a baby just short of our second anniversary. Then another, and another. We were really very, very happy and made an amazing team. We rarely fought and accomplished a lot in our life together.

After about fifteen years of marriage, it really felt more like brother and sister; plus, I was now in my 30's and starting to see a little more of life. We ended up separating after 21 years of marriage. I finally met someone and he wanted me to get a divorce. I did and re-married. This man had lots of red flags. But in my defense, I had only dated my first husband and really didn't know a lot about men.

These red flags include: he cheated on his first wife twice, he went to massage parlors, he objectified every woman he saw & could not keep his eyes to himself, and he could have a temper that would include name calling. And yes, I married him. I fell for him and in love with him. Those red flags were not the only thing about him.

After several years with him I had enough, and we divorced. Through all this my first husband and I never were far from one another. We have always kept our homes close by and talk most everyday. He was the one I would always turn to, and I for him. Like I said, we are family.

My second husband is still very much wanting us to be together. I've tried, but I just don't trust or respect him enough to make the commitment again. And the man I truly admire is my first husband, but there is just no real romance between us. But both of us know each other, I mean really know one another.

We have known each other since we were 13 & 15. We are now 49 & 51. We have our children, our grandchildren, and we know the in's and out's of our family and navigate it all really well.

I know this might seem like a real no brainer. But what I have is great romance with one, and great friendship with the other. I find it incredibly difficult making such an important, life changing decision.

What would your advice be?

--- Torn between two lovers in Phoenix

A: Dear Bachelorette:

You have so much wonderful going on with your FIRST husband, it would be a shame not to enjoy your remaining years with him. You obviously still love and respect each other.

You can build romance again--YOU CAN. You had great romance with him before, and somewhere along the way it went POOF (probably when the kids came, as often happens.)

He was your sweetheart once, and he can be your sweetheart again. I actually recommend an audio series called, LIGHT HIS FIRE, LIGHT HER FIRE, by Dr. Ellen (marriage expert.) Go online and take a peek (there is also a free demo.) The website address is: http://www.lightyourfire.com/video2.htm.

It's a "course" you both can take and trust me, those embers will burn brightly and bigger than ever before! In fact, you don't have to be married to learn lots from her series; it's for singles in a relationship, too!

FORGET about your 2nd husband already--he sounds like a loser x's ten. He is what's known as a BAD BOY, which all to often women fall for, and then one day wake up saying, "what was I thinking when I married him?" This man must have been really hot-to-trot in bed or in looks, but as you now realize, that can only carry a relationship so far.

Trust, kindness, respect, fun, love, romance and dignity, though, can last forever! Yes, it has to be nurtured daily and never to be taken for granted.

Your first husband sounds like a gem. Please stay with him for good this time :)

Q & A / Emailing Nude Photos? Not!

Q: Hi, Chris:

I'm age 27 and recently met a man online. He does not live in my state. We have been talking and texting for about two weeks. Almost immediately, the issue came up about the sending and receiving of nude pictures. I was very clear in my desire to not be sent anything nude below the belt.

Our conversations have, a few times, included some "PG-13" sexual topics. Today, I open my email to find a nude picture of his goods - cropped, up close and personal! I'm shocked and offended.

Why would he do that, after my explicit request not to?

Should I ever talk to him again?

--- "Oh no, you didn't!" in Denver

A: Dear Bachelorette:

First, send me all nude photos men email you, so I can screen them personally (KIDDING!)

Bad joking aside, this is a serious offense and not to be taken lightly by the man who did this to you. I don't blame you for being shocked and offended, you should be! You made it very clear to him you wanted no nude ANYTHING below the belt.

For future consideration, how about insisting no nude or shirtless pictures period? Unfortunately, you sent mixed signals to this guy (having "PG-13" sex chats with him.) In his mind, you opened the door for more, and he ignored your "no nude photos below the belt" request. It was boorish and wrong of him to send it, regardless.

Unfortunately, this seems to be a fairly rampant problem with online courting. (Can we bring back romance again, please? You know, when men bought you a rose and handed it to you on your first date--rather than his body parts beforehand?)

It's very offensive if or when a man does this, and NOT sexy at all (let's leave it for the bedroom, okay guys?)

You ask if you should ever talk to him again? If all you want is more sex chat and nude photos, then yes. If you want to be treated like the lady you are, then shut the PG-13 theater down for good.

Q & A / Savvy Girl Dating Clueless Guy

Q: Hi, Chris:

I have been seeing my older brother's friend for about 2-weeks now. We hit it off at my birthday party and he got my number. He asked me out on a date a few days later and we went out that week. We had a great first date and both agreed we wanted to see each other again. We made plans for a second date, but the day arrived and he ended up canceling, saying his friend broke up with his girlfriend and wanted to hang out.

This was the first mixed signal.

He ended up contacting me two days later and we went out the following day. We went to the movies and he held my hand throughout and after we went back to his house. Everything went great again. We didn't make plans for the next date, but I figured we would at some point.

My brother's girlfriend knows him really well, so she said to throw him a bone, because he has never been in a serious relationship and needs some encouragement.

Usually I wouldn't initiate contact with a guy, but I thought it would be okay in this case. So I asked him what he was doing on Saturday night. He said he was going out with a friend from work. I told him I was going to a party and we exchanged texts for a little while. Then I asked him "Will I see you this week?" and he replied after 20 minutes saying "we will see what my schedule is like."

What does this all mean?

I am leaving in about 2 weeks to do an internship in Vancouver and I will be gone for about 4 weeks. I am in my last semester in college and will be graduating in May, so I will only be home every few weeks until I finish school. He graduated a few years ago and is living and working in the neighboring town.

Is he afraid of getting too involved since I am leaving? Or is he just not that interested?

--- Wondering in Boston where she stands

A: Dear Bachelorette:

You seem like such a sweet, smart and lovely young lady—and now I have to be the bearer of bad news.

I deal with single men and women all year long, and I know from my own experiences: when a guy is into you, HE will be making the appropriate moves. And if you’re into him, you will follow suit as you see fit.

I know I’m becoming a broken record in this column when I advise women to read author Greg Behrendt’s book (and made into a movie last year), "He’s Just Not That Into You." I read the book when it first came out and laughed how Greg B. was so completely ON-TARGET. In fact, his book can easily work in reverse, too—“She’s Just Not That Into You.”

As crazy as it sounds, men of all ages are first and foremost CONQUERERS. Your lad needs to learn how to conquer—and quite frankly, given he’s age 25 or 26 and has not had a serious relationship under his belt—um, I think I’d take a pass.

I know it may sound “mean,” since you obviously had a couple nice dates with this guy. BUT, he’s not exactly going overboard making you feel special—in fact, I’d say he’s making you feel just the opposite.

He needs date training 101—meanwhile, you’re way ahead of him. My vote is Fuggetta ‘Bout this guy. The less attention you pay him, the sooner he’ll wake-up and start paying attention (if he really is into you.) You’ll learn quickly if that’s the case or not!

You have your whole life ahead of you. My sincere wish is you meet a hot, Gold Medal Olympian stud (while you’re interning in Vancouver) that CHASES you, to make up for this dud.

Meanwhile, “Mr. I Don’t Know How To Date” can continue as is—lose a good woman to a new guy (I’m crossing my fingers for you) who knows what he wants (YOU) and goes after it. You deserve no less.

Now go have a fabulous time in Vancouver, and let’s all chant for our athletes soon participating in the Olympics—U.S.A., U.S.A.!