Q&A / NICE PHONE BUDDY ISN'T ENOUGH

Q: Hi, Chris:

I'm 39 and have been out of the dating world for a while now.  I signed onto a couple of dating sites and I'm getting a good amount of responses.

I met “Greg” and we’ve been on three dates.  On each date he's been a gentleman, romantic and engaging.  I'm excited to be dating Greg because he is extremely active.  It’s great because I'm in grad school and working full time, and I can't handle someone needing a full time relationship.  

Recently Greg’s business has picked up and hockey season started, meaning less time for me.  I'm annoyed because I've lost the sweet responsive guy who returned my calls and emails, to a guy who falls asleep after asking me if I'll stay up for him (late night phone call).  

I really like him, and I understand why he's tired, BUT I'm getting annoyed. I don't know if I should run or hang in there, as he's a really nice guy.  My friends say I should stop calling him and make him work more.

Help, please.

--- Too nice in Atlanta

 

A: Dear Bachelorette:

This one is easy. 

First, you’re having an email and phone relationship, which is NOT a real relationship. You both need to do a little more planning and SEE each other. Countless emails and phone calls waste precious time you and Greg can be spending together. 

I understand you don’t want a full time relationship at this stage, but a part-time phone buddy and pen pal does not create romance.  And why isn’t Greg clamoring to see you?  Okay, I'll answer my own question:  by emailing and phoning him so much, you've given him no incentive to pursue you. 

I’m with your friends on this one.  Greg should be planning his next date with you, not asking you to stay up for late night phone calls (which he can’t even stay awake long enough to chat!)

The word “lazy” comes to mind—for both of you.  Sorry, I call it (pun intended), the way I see it.

No more emails and phone calls, please, unless it’s to plan your next outing.  Let him call YOU…it’s time he shows you are worth it.  Tie your hands together if you feel the urge to pick up the phone, unless it's RINGING.

____________________________________________________

Single professionals are welcome to E-mail Chris at:
AsktheMatchmaker@yahoo.com, or send letters to Chris Stelmack,
P.O. Box 9871, Seattle, WA 98109.  All letters become property
of the column. Visit Chris at www.4mclub.com.

Q&A / IS HE CHEATING??

Q: Hi, Chris:

There is a popular rumor going around my group of friends. They say my boyfriend, "Russ," cheated on me with this one chick, "Jenny."  No one has any proof, and my boyfriend never told anyone it happened. 

For a month straight, Russ was always hanging out with this one dude (Jenny lives with him.)  Everyone thought Russ was cheating on me and for a little bit; I began to believe the rumors.  I asked him more than once if anything ever happened between them, and he swears up and down nothing ever did. 

It drives me crazy because maybe he is telling me the truth, and maybe he isn't.  I'm afraid I'll never know the truth. 

If Russ did cheat on me, he is the only one who knows and will never admit it.  I can't end our relationship over something that might not have happened. I find it hard for me to get closer to him, because the idea of him cheating is in the back of my mind.

I don't know what to do or how to handle this.  Please help.

--- Miserable in Missouri

 

A: Dear Bachelorette:

Oh, dear.  Where there is smoke, there is usually fire.  And sometimes where there is smoke, that's all it is—smoke. Nothing more, nothing less. 

You say if Russ cheated on you, he is the only one who knows. Well, we know that's not true.  If he cheated with Jenny, then Jenny knows, too.  Or if it was an Ménage à trois, then all three of them know:  Russ, Jenny and "the dude."

I'm going to tell you, for peace of mind, please give Russ the benefit of doubt.  Why? Because rumors can rear their ugly little head.  Rumors are just that...rumor.  Not fact.

You wonder what was going on when Russ hung out with his dude friend for a month. Maybe your boyfriend just needed guy time, and Jenny was an innocent bystander.  Since this dude and Jenny live together, where is she supposed to go when he has friends over?

At worse, maybe your boyfriend had a little crush on Jenny, while visiting his friend. That may explain why he was hanging out there a wee bit too often.   If so, looks like he got over it, since Russ is not hanging out there as much.

As I alluded earlier, maybe Russ just needed some space and wanted to hang out with his friend.  I'm all for giving space, but never at the expense of neglecting your significant other. Maybe those are things you should talk about with Russ.  

And the next time he heads for "dude's" home, ask if you can hang out with everyone, too.   That makes the most sense to me: you, Russ, dude and Jenny.  Go out for dinner; go to a concert or go dancing—all four of you.

Now go put a big smile on your face and give Russ a big hug and kiss.  Keep the fires burning, so home-sweet-home to him is hanging out with you, too :)

____________________________________________________

Single professionals are welcome to E-mail Chris at:
AsktheMatchmaker@yahoo.com, or send letters to Chris Stelmack,
P.O. Box 9871, Seattle, WA 98109.  All letters become property
of the column. Visit Chris at www.4mclub.com.

Q&A / MIXED MESSAGES AREN'T SO MIXED AFTER ALL

Q: Hi, Chris:

I’d like your opinion on a recent dating experience.  I met up with a man I knew many years ago.  We talked briefly, and I told him to give me a call sometime. 

Within a few days he called and we decided to get together.  We spent a few hours catching up at a park, both of us saying it was a nice relaxing day, and we should do it again soon.

Next time I heard from him was four days later.  He said he wasn't ready for a relationship, he was too set in his ways, and we are too different.  I felt he was giving me a lot of mixed messages.

He had a really bad marriage and was afraid of being hurt again. He’s also in a state of depression. I explained we’ve all had bad relationships, but if you want to have a relationship at all, you have to risk getting hurt.

Where do you think I stand with this man? I think we would do well together, but I’m not going to chase him or hope for something that will never be.  I look forward to hearing from you.

--- State of confusion, California

 

A: Dear Bachelorette:

I had a few questions before I tackled your question, but I was unable to get a hold of you.  So I will read between the lines.

You initiated the original get-together, which in guy code is “hey, she’s into me; why not meet her?” 

I don’t know about you, but I want the guy into ME.  So he asks me out, not the other way around.  If that sounds too old fashioned, just read the book, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” by Greg Behrendt. (Make sure you read the book, which came before the lame movie of the same name.)

If you have a brain cramp and initiate something with a man again, don’t ever expect more than he can give you. Based on what you tell me, it doesn’t sound like he is ready now for any kind of a relationship.

It also sounds like this guy may be hiding something (are you sure he’s still not married?)  My educated guess is he still may be involved with someone, whether his former wife (if he’s even legally divorced!) or someone else.

If your friend truly is not involved with anyone, but still in a state of depression, then he needs professional help immediately.  He actually did you a favor by “ending” something, before it ever began

You deserve an emotionally healthy and available man who’s chasing YOU, because you're worth it, right? 

P.S.  One last thing.  When a man tells you he’s not ready for a relationship, take him at face value and MOVE ON.